For as long as I can remember when I pictured my family it was with two children, I don’t know if that’s because I am one of two. But, I always hoped that one day I would be lucky enough to be a mummy to two.
When Andy and I got together we very quickly talked about marriage and having a family, I wasn’t getting any younger and to be honest I didn’t want to waste time. That sounds a bit harsh, but it was truly how I felt at the time. Yes, I had strong feelings for Andy, but if we wanted different things then I knew it wouldn’t work.
Luckily Andy was totally on the same page as me and I thank my lucky stars for that. He wanted to have two children like me and he didn’t want to waste anytime.
Anyway we had our plan and as anyone that reads my blog will know we were lucky to be blessed with two beautiful daughters, who we both adore and love unconditionally. The second I held Holly in my arms, I knew our family was complete.
I was very clear in my mind that we were done. As soon as Holly grew out of something I sold it or passed it on to friends. I had no need to keep anything, it wasn’t something that I thought to hard about. I remember a close friend saying, are you sure? Maybe hold onto to it for a while. But, I was adamant I wasn’t having anymore children and I have continued to feel like that for twenty months.
But, then something changed…
I suddenly realised I will never know a son’s love…
A love that if you read about online, it says that the bond between a mum and son is like no other, that sons love their mum’s and girls love their dads. I see it with my girls, the love they have with their daddy is special to watch and one that melts my heart every day. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Does this mean that we have decided to have another baby? No, that is not the answer and to be honest it’s not even a question for us to answer. I believe that you should bring a child into this world because you want a child and that the gender of that child is the lovely surprise that you get. It shouldn’t be the reason to keep having babies, to keep going until you have the gender you wish for.
You see I stand firmly by our decision to stop at two, we know that a third child is not for us. I also don’t think my body would make it through a third pregnancy.
It’s also not about me wishing one of my girls was a boy. As I always wanted a girl and once I was blessed with Alice, all I wanted for her was a sister. I see my friends with a sister and I love the relationship they have, one that I wish for my girls.
I know a mum and daughter’s relationship is special too. I am incredibly close to my mum, as is my brother. So, maybe it’s not about what gender you are, maybe it’s the love of the parent that makes it special.
So, what is it that I am rambling on about?
I guess there is just a part of me that will always wonder what it would be like to have a son’s love…