Feeling Out Of Sorts And Not Myself…The Ordinary Moments

Feeling Out Of Sorts And Not Myself…The Ordinary Moments

I haven’t written a post about me for a while, as to be honest every time I’ve come to write it I haven’t known what to say, or how to say it or I worry that people will judge me. I’m an over thinker, I analyse everything and it can send me round in circles.

I feel like I’ve lost my way with blogging, a bit stifled. I don’t really know what to write about and then when I do I worry that I might upset someone or it will be taken the wrong way. Some how this little blog of mine is slowly turning into my job, it’s caught me by surprise a bit and I am very very very grateful for everything that has come our way. But it’s also a little scary.

In September Holly starts school (sob!) and it’s time for me to get a job. We’ve been really lucky that my blog has allowed me to stay off work for longer than we had planned. Which has been amazing and I will always be so pleased and grateful to have had this time with Holly.

I work incredibly hard at it, I know that everyone just see’s the pretty photos on Instagram and the blog posts on here and probably question how hard can that be? I get that it’s not that same as someone that is saving people’s lives, but it’s all relative because it takes a lot of work to run and a lot of hours to do this. I’m not complaining, as I absolutely love it and it becomes a bit of an addiction.

Whenever an email pops into my inbox that is amazing (for us) I get butterflies in my stomach, wondering why they picked me? and then can I do it? Andy and I are both very aware how lucky we are and that will never leave us.

I would love for my blog to become my job, that would be the dream and I think some of that is what is making me have a bit of a wobbly. Like can I do it?

Then there is the other side of it all that is making me feel like I’m getting left behind, I don’t have the biggest following and I’m finding social media hard work. I see people’s following grow and grow and whilst I know that people buy followers, buy views etc, which isn’t for me. It can still be disheartening to see. Social platforms don’t make it easy for us to be seen and this tends to be what drives this behaviour and some people’s desire to be the best. Whatever ‘the best’ may look like. I think we all have our own measure of success.

I definitely feel like I’ve lost my way over on Instagram, which I love. Whilst I have got better at posting photos that are not just of the girls and I’m getting braver at sharing more of me. But the problem is I think that people look at a photo and they don’t just see a photo of someone. They look at the little details, the clothes they are wearing, the location they are in and they judge. It makes me question every photo that I post.

In fact I question every part of this little world that I stumbled into. I’m a self conscious person, I don’t shout about my blog, in fact I hardly ever talk about it in real life. I become embarrassed and awkward when anyone mentions it. I still wonder why someone like me has a blog! It’s just part of what makes me, me.

Yes, I could just stop and go and get a normal job. But as I mentioned I adore writing my blog and I know that this period of feeling out of sorts will pass. I’ve made some wonderful friends through it, who I’m truly grateful to have in my life. But I’ve also been part of the other side where its not quite as friendly, where I’ve been made to feel very anxious and a bit rubbish. It often feels like a big work office and people are in the kitchen gossiping about you. Which is never a nice feeling.

Anyway I’ve rambled on and it probably makes no sense at all. But I guess what I’m saying is that my mind is working overtime trying to make sense of my little bit of the internet and it’s making me question everything.

I guess we all have moments like this, don’t we?

Joining Donna at What The Redhead Said for The Ordinary Moments

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3 Comments

  1. 13/05/2018 / 10:31

    I have to say I’ve never had a moment questioning why I blog. But then I’ve also never been on the end of trolling or bitchiness in the blogging community (gutted because I always miss out on the gossip, I’m terrible for nosiness). Yes im confident in what i do and why i write it, but i also only do it because I love it and for a bit of extra pocket money, which in the grand scheme of things doesn’t even make me profit across 2 blogs. I think as soon as you make it more than a hot that’s when people start to find it more pressure. It takes them away from why they started. That’s why I would never make mine full time.plus if have to do things I wouldn’t want to on the blog, although it would mean I’d actually get to do events and get invited to places because I wouldn’t work.

    My biggest annoyance or that work does get in the way and I miss our on a lot because of that so I do get left behind by others who don’t work when actually my blog could be just as good a fit or better. IG just winds me up full stop as it does everyone.

    Hope you manage to sort it all straight in your head, what you want to do.

  2. 13/05/2018 / 21:00

    Sorry you’re feeling like this. I totally get it, and actually moving away a little bit from the blogging community and being happy on the sidelines rather than too involved has helped me. I’ll never be a ‘blogger’s blogger’, I remind myself that I write to provide something useful to people who read my blog, not for other bloggers. I also write less posts, only doing the ones that are important to me. I hope you manage to find something that brings you back to loving it.
    Nat.x

  3. 17/05/2018 / 12:38

    I think this is quite normal. But if you set your mind to it and focus on it when both girls are at school there’s no reason why you can’t do it x

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