Is it ever ok to cry in front of your child?
This morning Alice broke me and I broke down in tears in front of her. It’s the end of term and just like every other school child in the country she is exhausted, over emotional and ready for a break.
This morning for an hour and a half she was a little girl that I didn’t recognise. Full of anger and everything we asked her to do she wouldn’t for a hundred different reasons. Her pony tail wasn’t long enough and she pulled it out 5 times! Of course it was my fault. She couldn’t come upstairs to brush her teeth, as she hates upstairs and it just went on and on.
And in the end I just burst into tears, not able to take it anymore. I had tried every trick in the book and nothing was working, she was in a place that I couldn’t reach her.
As the tears rolled down by cheeks and the words ‘I can’t do this anymore’, came out my mouth. I felt like a failure. Why couldn’t I help her out of this place she was in. Is it ok that she see’s me crying?
Did the tears help? A little bit, she did calm down and just sort of ignored it and went off to play a game. Holly was asking me what was wrong and wanted to sit on my lap for a cuddle. I felt bad that she had to see me like this. But I couldn’t stop them flowing, I felt so low.
We somehow got ready for school and drove there in silence with Alice clinging to her rabbit. As we got out the car, I said to her you either leave rabbit in the car or you hand it over when it’s time to go in, you can’t take it to school. She wanted to take it and promised to hand it over. The pit of my stomach now feeling sick in anticipation of the next breakdown when she won’t want to hand it over.
We stood in the playground in silence, Alice clinging to my side. Me hoping the doors open quickly so I can get her in and get back to the car before the tears that are pricking my eyes come.
The doors open and Alice hands me the rabbit. Result no tears!
But she doesn’t want to go in, she holds my hand desperate to stay with me. Thankfully as I am taking her hand out of mine her friend comes behind her, puts her arm round her and takes her in. Alice glances back and I can feel my tears about to come again.
My friends can see it’s been a tough morning and my tears are about to fall, they usher me out of the playground and promise to see Alice in.
I barely make it to the car and the tears are flowing. I feel broken.
Am I a failure? Should I be able to cope with this? Am I an emotional wreck because of the lack of sleep? Is it only my child that is like this? Why Am I crying? These are all the questions I’m asking myself and I have no answers.
All I know is that I cried in front of my children and I can’t promise that I won’t do it again. Is that ok? We are after all only human and we all have our limits and I definitely found mine today. But tomorrow might be different and I might have had more sleep and coped better with it.
What I do know is that the end of term can’t come quick enough for us…