Is It Time To Accept This Is Me?

Is It Time To Accept This Is Me?

I don’t ever remember a time when I was comfortable being me, I look back at my childhood and even then I wasn’t. I’ve always worried about fitting in, do people like, will people like, what do I wear to something, the list goes on…

This has been my whole adult life, I spend hours worrying about things that are about to happen or analysing things that have happened. I get myself into a state and then most of the time never really actually enjoy myself.

But I’ve noticed a change recently, only a small one, but a significant one for me.

In May this year I went to a blogging conference, I spent the weeks leading up to it browsing online and buying endless outfits. Panicking and worrying over what to wear, will I fit in, will I be too casual, will I be hot/cold, you name it I worried over it. Would people judge me on my clothes.

Last weekend I went to the same conference again, but something was different. I didn’t do any of this. I thought about it, but then I pushed it to one side thinking I’ll sort it later. I had a rough idea of what I might wear and then the morning for me to leave came and I just packed the clothes. I threw in a back up option just in case, but I didn’t need it.

Is this a small sign that I’m finally accepting who I am?

Something else that was different. Last time I was panicked and scared that everyone I met wouldn’t like me. And whilst that may have been the case both in May and last weekend, I didn’t worry about it.

I think I’ve come to realise that I’m never going to be the person that everyone can’t wait to meet, the person that people tag on social media hoping and praying they will be there and making plans. That just isn’t going to be me.

Am I ok with that? Of course a little part of me would love to be more popular, don’t we all just want to be liked. But I’m just too much of an introvert. I probably wear my ‘don’t talk to me’ face too much, when really I would love you to talk to me, but then if you do talk to me I will worry you won’t like me and it’s just goes round and round in my head.

I’m starting to learn to like myself. That really it doesn’t matter what I wear, as long as I am comfortable that is all that I should think  about. Because once you are through the doors, it really doesn’t matter at that point. I couldn’t tell you what people were wearing.

Am I finally accepting the person that I am, not the person that I would like to be? That I can’t change who I am and that the people who do want to be my friend, who I do chat to, meet up with and enjoy being with. Hopefully enjoy being with me, who see past my anxious, awkwardness at the beginning and get to know the person underneath.

Am I finally starting to see the real me and embracing it? I really hope so. I can’t say that I will never be anxious over what to wear, or nervous when I go to events. But what I do know is that these changes no matter how small, are big to me and I’m embracing them…

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13 Comments

  1. 28/09/2017 / 10:54

    Good for you for making that shift, however it happened. I’m quite shy underneath, and rubbish at small talk, but I can probably cover it up quite well. However I’m confident in myself and have a don’t care what others think thing. Ok, so I need to lose weight but other than that, I’m happy in myself. It really does make a difference, and to just remember that everyone else probably feels the same. Sorry for not speaking to you the other day – totally got swamped by the others you were with hugging (not usually me at all), then by the time I realised it was you, we were off to Mel’s talk. Are you at BML? If so, I’ll keep a watch out.

    • 28/09/2017 / 21:20

      Thanks Emma. Yes, that’s true I’m sure most people are feeling the same. Yes, I’m at BML I will keep a look out too!

  2. 28/09/2017 / 12:53

    Oh that’s nice to hear, I’m so glad you’re becoming more confident in who you are. It was lovely to see you at the weekend albeit briefly!
    Nat.x

  3. 28/09/2017 / 13:19

    Laura
    You looked lovely at Blog On, it’s great that your starting to accept yourself as there is very little you can do to change so I’ve found. We all need to learn to be happy with ourselves and I’m glad you are getting there.

  4. 28/09/2017 / 20:18

    This really speaks to me! I always envied the people who a) didn’t care or b) had themselves together so much better.

    I think it’s often a case of faking it until you make it; deciding notnto care will eventually rub off, and I think thst makes us more attractive to other people. You seem lovely anyway, and write beautifully! Lovely blog :). xo

  5. 02/10/2017 / 11:24

    Laura this is so strange to read as I came away from the event reflecting on what a confident balanced person you seemed. I’ve read your posts before and have heard you say that you’re introverted and anxious but you seemed so happy and content being you – you were one of those people that seemed so different on meeting to the person who perhaps they are portrayed as by social media! Maybe you’re accepting who you are more than you think! It was a total pleasure to meet you and I look forward to meeting you at many other events!

    • 03/10/2017 / 13:27

      Thank you Helen. It’s funny you say that, I get people say that a lot to me. I’m never how they imagined me to be. I think I hold my cards close to my chest far too much and this probably comes across on SM. It was really lovely to meet you too, you are just as lovely as I thought you would be x

  6. 05/10/2017 / 18:44

    This is such a real post to put out there, and probably something that a lot of people will relate to, myself included! I worry a lot that I come across as a really outgoing, confident and bubbly person online, when the reality is much the opposite! #bigpinklink

  7. Caroline Rippon
    06/10/2017 / 13:08

    Laura, exactly how I feel in my head a lot of the time. Finding the awkwardness of the school run adding to my anxiety. I would never have guessed you feel this way though as you seem so confident and full of inspiration and ideas. You’re a lovely person to be around and I’m glad you’re feeling more confident because you definitely should! Xx

  8. 07/10/2017 / 21:09

    I think a lot of us bloggers are introverts at heart but we grow in confidence with every event and seeing like minded individuals. #bigpinklink

  9. 08/10/2017 / 16:24

    Laura, you are ALWAYS going to be the person whom I look forward to seeing to, to chatting with (even at 2 in the morning) and to stressing over what to wear with. It makes me sad that you don’t see yourself as I do, but happy that you are finally noticing a little change and acceptance in yourself too. I feel exactly the same way, some of us just do, but you are one in a million and I will never stop reminding you of that. xxx Thank you for sharing with #bigpinklink xxx

  10. 04/11/2017 / 17:20

    I used to spend ages choosing what to wear for any event, I’d plan for days sometimes. The moment I walked out the door though I didn’t care anymore! I’d get to the end of every event and find myself wondering about why I’d been so bothered and wound up by it! It was all just so tiring so now I really try to not let it bother me so much.

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